Comfort and Joy
by KJaneway115
Summary: It's the first Christmas Eve after Voyager's return to Earth. Kathryn Janeway contemplates her life; will she find the comfort and joy that she so desperately seeks?


_A/N: My Christmas present to my fellow VAMBies. Special thanks to Mizvoy, as always. Reviews are always appreciated - hope you all enjoy. Merry Christmas!  
_

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 **COMFORT AND JOY**

 **By KJaneway115**

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 _God rest ye merry gentlemen_

 _Let nothing ye dismay_

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She fully expected him to arrive at the party with Seven of Nine on his arm, so when Chakotay did enter the grand ballroom with the blonde, beautiful ex-Borg, she didn't know why she still felt like someone had punched her in the gut. Perhaps it was because of how beautiful Seven looked, dressed in a royal blue, floor length, form fitting gown that hugged her curves in just the right way. Her long blonde hair was piled up on her head in an elegant hairdo, and dangly diamond earrings hung from her ears; they sparkled in the light every time she turned her head. Seven looked gorgeous, and Kathryn couldn't help but feel a wave of pride amidst her own personal melancholy. She was so focused on Seven, on the way every man in the room turned to look at her as if she were Cinderella arriving at the ball, that she didn't notice the way Chakotay's eyes searched the room, as if he were looking for someone else.

It was the annual Starfleet holiday ball, held each year on Christmas Eve, and it was the first since _Voyager_ 's return to the Alpha Quadrant. _Voyager_ 's crew had all been invited, and Janeway had had little choice but to attend and endure the hours of small talk, dancing with admirals, and answering countless questions about her "heroic" journey, when all she wanted to do was enjoy a quiet evening with her family. Even more, she dreaded spending the entire evening watching Chakotay with Seven of Nine.

She had barely exchanged a word with Chakotay since _Voyager_ 's debriefings had ended, and then only for professional purposes. She had avoided the subject of his personal life altogether. She had continued to mentor Seven, but there, too, she had stuck to professional questions, steering clear of any discussion about Seven's relationship with Chakotay. She had the feeling Seven had tried to bring it up several times, but she had always quickly changed the subject. Tonight, however, she was unable to avoid the subject, as it was staring her in the face. The couple was still standing in the doorway, and Chakotay's eyes met hers across the room. For a moment, their gazes locked, and Kathryn drew in a sharp breath. His eyes held such intensity that she quickly averted her gaze, pretending she had not seen him.

Janeway turned, ready to seek out another mundane conversation with a member of the Starfleet brass, when she ran smack into a woman with long brown hair and hazel eyes. The woman wore a long purple gown and had plumped up a little bit over the years, but it didn't take Kathryn long to recognize her. "Mel!"

"Kath! Oh my gosh, it's great to see you!" The two women shared a long embrace, and then Mel stepped back to look at her old friend. "You look great!"

Kathryn shrugged, smoothing her long black dress over her thighs. "I thought I'd better make myself presentable."

"You're more than presentable. Or haven't you noticed how every man in the room keeps glancing this way? Some of the women, too." Mel winked, then continued, "Of course you haven't noticed. You haven't changed a bit. Come on, let's grab a drink and a table. We have years to catch up on!"

Janeway knew that she should probably be talking to every admiral in the room, but at that moment, all she wanted to do was catch up with Melinda Rockefeller, her close friend since their first year at the Academy. As cadets, they had frequently stayed up all night discussing the problems of the galaxy and how they would someday solve them. They'd spent holidays with each other's families and had shared a graduation party. After graduation, they had kept in touch as frequently as possible, but Melinda had stayed in the sciences while Kathryn switched to command, and their times together had grown less and less frequent. However, each time they saw each other, they had been able to pick up right where they had left off, as if there had been no time at all between visits. Kathryn was surprised to discover that even after seven years of no contact, she still felt as though she had seen Melinda only last month, not almost a decade ago.

The two friends quickly engaged in conversation, and Kathryn found herself opening up to her old friend about her experiences on _Voyager_. "It was terribly lonely, Mel. Terribly lonely."

"I can only imagine. How did you make it through all that stress and pressure alone?"

"I don't know. Sometimes, when I look back, it seems impossible that we did it. But, here we are. And Chakotay was a great help to me."

"Hmm. Chakotay."

"Yes. My first officer." Kathryn suddenly felt uncomfortable under her friend's penetrating gaze, and she quickly shifted the focus of the conversation. "My life has been all over the news. Tell me about you, Mel. Tell me about your life."

Mel gave her a long hard stare. "Okay. But you're not getting out of telling me about Chakotay. I want to know about what isn't in the news."

"I think that's a story for another time, a private location, and lots and lots of wine."

Mel smiled. "It's a deal." The two women clinked glasses and sipped their champagne.

"So tell me about your life, Mel. Let's see… The last time we saw each other, you were about to chart the Hugora Nebula." Kathryn listened as Mel talked about the past eight years. She had met the man who was now her husband, and they had two children. They lived in a town house in San Francisco, and Mel was stationed at Starfleet Headquarters. Her husband was a professor at Berkeley, and from the way that Mel spoke about him, Kathryn could tell that not only was he an intelligent, thoughtful man, but that they were still very much in love and had a lot of fun together. As she listened to Melinda talk about her life, Kathryn found herself thinking about her own life and the unforeseen direction it had taken. Across the room, she watched as Chakotay, Seven, and the Doctor were talking with B'Elanna and Tom. Chakotay was laughing at something. She looked away quickly, before he could catch her staring.

"Kath?"

"Oh. Mel, I'm sorry. I was… distracted."

"I could see that. Are you all right?"

"Yes. Yes, I'm fine. Just a little tired. It's been a long day."

"It's been a long seven years," Mel pointed out.

Kathryn laughed. "You got that right. I think I'm going to say my goodbyes and head home."

"Okay. If you're sure you're okay."

Mel's genuine concern touched Kathryn deeply, and she felt tears welling up behind her eyes. She nodded. "I'm fine."

Mel enfolded her friend in a warm hug. "Welcome home, Kath. When you're up to it, let me know, and we'll have you over for dinner. I want you to meet my family."

"Thanks, Mel. That sounds lovely." She gave Mel one last squeeze and then made her way around the ballroom to wish goodnight to admirals, captains, and old family friends. She made a point of wishing a happy holiday to every member of _Voyager_ 's crew that had attended the party. She debated avoiding Chakotay and Seven altogether; she didn't feel up to facing them tonight, but she knew it would be rude of her not to extend the same courtesy and kindness to them that she had to the rest of her crew. They were standing with Reg Barclay when she approached them.

"Captain," Seven greeted her with a smile. "I believe the appropriate greeting is, Merry Christmas."

The ghost of a smile flitted across Janeway's face. In spite of everything, she was incredibly proud of this young woman. "Yes, Seven. Merry Christmas to you, too. You look lovely."

"Thank you, Captain. Your attire is also very flattering on you."

"Well, thank you. I just came to say goodnight and wish you all a very happy holidays."

"You're leaving?" Chakotay asked.

"Yes, I'm very tired. It's been a long day."

"I was hoping… I mean, won't you stay for at least one dance?"

Chakotay's request surprised her; she didn't think he would care whether she stayed or left, but regardless, dancing with him would hardly be appropriate now. She realized he was probably just looking out for her, trying to make sure she had a good time, as he had so many times on _Voyager_. "I really am tired, Commander. It's been a lovely party, and I've had a wonderful time. You and Seven enjoy the dancing."

"Kathryn…"

"Goodnight, everyone. Merry Christmas." And before Chakotay could say another word to try and stop her, she had escaped the ballroom into the cool, San Francisco evening.

…

Two hours later, Kathryn was in her pajamas, finishing up the last of her gift wrapping. It had started to rain after she'd left the party, and by the time she'd walked home from the transport station, she'd been soaking wet. She'd changed into her pajamas, lit a fire in her fireplace and made herself a cup of tea. In the morning, she would head to her mother's home in Indiana for Christmas Day with her mother, sister, and her sister's family. She was looking forward to spending Christmas with her family for the first time in seven years, but she knew that it would not be the same as she remembered. Phoebe was married now, with a family of her own, and she was sure they had built their own traditions while she was away. A part of her feared that she would not fit in, even with her own family. She had been through so much that they would never understand.

There had been a time in her life when Christmas had meant pure joy and excitement. Now, for her, it was tinged with melancholy. She knew that she was fortunate in many ways, but that knowledge didn't change the loneliness she felt when she heard Mel talking about her husband, or watched her sister care for her children, or saw Chakotay offer his arm to Seven of Nine. Her life was, in so many ways, different from the life she had planned, expected, and hoped for. She was grateful for the many incredible blessings she had: her family, friends and colleagues, her career, and, above all, having gotten _Voyager_ home. But that gratitude didn't stop her from wishing for more, especially at Christmastime.

She shook her head as she tied a silver bow around a package for her nephew. _You have to accept the reality, Kathryn_ , she told herself sternly. _Chakotay has moved on. He_ _'_ _s with Seven now, and they_ _'_ _ll probably have a long and happy life together. Seven is young and beautiful and full of life. She can give him more than you ever could._ The admiral's revelation that Chakotay and Seven had married in another timeline had hit Kathryn hard, much harder than she would have thought. It had forced her to recognize that she still had feelings for her first officer, feelings that she had buried, ignored, and denied for years. Now, it was too late. G _ive up on the idea of sharing your life with someone. You_ _'_ _re better off alone, not having to depend on anyone else. You have to stop wanting what you can_ _'_ _t have._

And then, another part of her responded, _Why? Why can_ _'_ _t I find someone to share my life with? Other people do. Phoebe has a husband, children. Mel found someone._ And yet, even as she wondered this, she felt foolish. _I_ _'_ _m a strong, independent woman. I don_ _'_ _t need anyone else._ Pause. _But oh, how I wish I had someone to hold me at the end of the day. I don_ _'_ _t need marriage. I don_ _'_ _t need children. But someone to laugh with about stupid things. Someone to share ideas with. Someone to share my burdens and my triumphs. Someone to share my love._ She shook her head again, admonishing herself as she put the last package on the pile. _Don_ _'_ _t be ridiculous, Kathryn_. She took another sip of her tea, and watched the blue, gold and orange flames dance in the fireplace. Outside, the rain continued to pour down.

She was startled a moment later by the ringing of her door chime. She looked at the chronometer. It was 2330. She had no idea who could be visiting her at this hour, but she wasn't about to make them stand outside in the rain, whoever it was. "Come in." When the person entered her apartment, Kathryn stood hurriedly, pulling her silk robe tight around her body. "Chakotay."

He looked at the figure before him, clad in pink silk, her hair down, a little longer than it had been on _Voyager_ ; she'd been growing it out since their return. He could see the embarrassment on her face. "Have I come at a bad time?" he asked, prepared to leave if she demanded it.

She was about to send him away, feeling no more prepared to face him now than she had been earlier, but she was curious what had brought him here at this time of night, and on Christmas Eve. She was curious why he wasn't with Seven, wasn't still at the party. And she didn't have the heart to send him back out into the rain. His coat and hair were soaked. "No, Chakotay. Please, come in. Take off your wet things, and I'll make you a cup of tea." She pointed down the hall. "The coat closet is there. You can hang up your jacket."

"Thank you."

Kathryn made a second cup of tea and refreshed her own. When she found her way back into the living room, Chakotay was sitting on her sofa near the fire. He had taken off his overcoat as well as his tuxedo jacket and his shoes. He had untied his bowtie, and it was hanging open around his neck. He wiped some excess moisture from his forehead, where his hair was still damp, and was leaning towards the fire, his elbows on his knees. Kathryn couldn't help but think how beautiful he was. She handed him his tea, and he smiled up at her, his fingers brushing hers over the warm cup. "Thanks." He patted the sofa beside him. She hesitated for only a moment before she took his invitation and sat down next to him.

"So what brings you here?"

"You left the party in a hurry. I wanted to make sure you were all right."

"I'm fine."

He chuckled. "I've heard that line before."

Janeway crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Why are you here Chakotay? Why aren't you with Seven?"

"Why would I be with Seven?"

"You took her to the party."

"I took her to the party because she asked me to. She wanted to go with someone familiar and safe." He looked away with a self-deprecating sigh. "I guess that's me. Good old dependable Chakotay."

"But aren't you and Seven…" Janeway trailed off, confused, unable to finish her sentence, to speak the words she was so afraid of discovering were true.

Chakotay turned back to look at her. "Seven and I aren't a couple, Kathryn. We went on a few dates on _Voyager_ , that's all. We have spent time together since we've been back on Earth, but only because she asked me to help her adjust to being here, as a friend."

"You're not in love with her?"

"What? No. I was flattered by her interest in me, I suppose. And I did learn to enjoy her company." He poked her in the ribs, teasing. "After all, you are the one who wanted me to get to know her better."

"Yes, well, when I made that suggestion, I never figured on you getting to know her quite _that_ well." They laughed together, and a measure of the tension between them eased.

"So, why did you leave the party?" He paused, a horrified look coming over his features. "Not because of me and Seven?"

She laughed again and patted his knee. "That was part of it, to be honest."

"Oh, Kathryn, I'm sorry."

"Not your fault. I made an assumption… Besides, it wasn't only that. I just had too many things to think about. I needed to be alone."

Chakotay glanced toward the door. "Do you want me to go?"

"Please stay." She touched the back of his hand. "I'm glad you're here."

He smiled, turning his hand over to brush his fingers against her palm. "So what have you been thinking about?"

"A lot of things. Christmas. Family." She paused. "You." Chakotay raised an eyebrow, curiosity filling him, but he said nothing, allowing her to continue. "I've been so focused for the last seven years on only one thing."

"Getting home," he supplied.

She nodded. "Now we're here. We did it. But it doesn't feel like home, like _my_ home. I wonder if all those years, I was focused on the wrong thing. I look around at my sister, at my friends, and they've built something. They've built families, they've built _homes_ for themselves. What have I built? Nothing."

"That's not true, Kathryn. You built a community on _Voyager_. You made a home for so many people. For some of us, _Voyager_ is the truest home we've ever known. I know that Tom and B'Elanna felt that way. I do, too."

"But now it's gone." She felt a lump rise in her throat and tried to push it down.

"No." Chakotay placed his hand on her shoulder. "It's not gone. It's part of all of us. We are all part of each other." He paused. "You built that community for everyone else, but you isolated yourself from it. You created an atmosphere where everyone felt connected, like they could rely on each other, but you were always on the outside. You never let yourself rely on anyone."

"That's not true, either, Chakotay." Her voice was barely a whisper, her eyes downcast. "I relied on you."

He tucked his finger under her chin, raising her eyes to his. "Not as much as you could have."

She bit the inside of her lip as his dark eyes bore into hers. Then she wrenched her gaze away from him with a suddenness that surprised him. "I did what I had to do." Her tone softened. "Or at least, I thought I did."

"We all did the best we could out there. We got our crew home. That's something to be proud of." Chakotay sat back against the cushions, breaking physical contact with her.

"I know." They sat in silence for a long time, listening to the fire snap and crackle. Janeway turned to look at him, admiring his strong profile in the glow of the firelight. "What really made you decide to come here tonight?"

He was silent for a long time before he replied, staring into the fire, watching the flames dance and jump. "You looked beautiful tonight at the party, Kathryn. Really. I was having a hard time taking my eyes off you. I wanted to talk with you, to dance with you. But I could tell that you were avoiding me. I didn't know if it was because of rumors about Seven or some other reason, but I wanted to set the record straight. I saw the expression on your face when you were leaving; I could tell you were upset about something. I didn't want you to be alone." His voice got quieter. "I didn't want to be alone, either."

She reached across the gap between the sofa cushions and gently interlaced her fingers with his. "I'm glad you came. I've missed you."

"I've missed you too." He raised their joined hands to his lips and kissed her fingers, one after the other. "So, this home you want… What does it look like?"

She laughed. "I don't know. It could look like a lot of different things."

"Okay. Tell me one of them."

"Chakotay…"

"No, seriously. Tell me about Christmas the way you always imagined it."

She was blushing furiously now. "It's silly."

He took his free hand and touched her cheek gently, letting his fingers caress her skin. "I don't think I'll find it silly, Kathryn." He paused. "If I do, we can laugh about it together."

She cocked her head, remembering her own thought from earlier that evening. _Someone to laugh with about stupid things._ "I never realized how many expectations I had about the future, until we were out there, in the Delta Quadrant, and I realized that none of the things I expected for myself would ever happen."

"I think the Delta Quadrant changed the way all of us look at the future."

Kathryn slipped her hand out of his and reached for her tea. "The first time was… Well, it was when Q showed up, of all things. When he wanted to mate with me. He asked me if I wanted children. I always thought I would have a child someday, until he asked me that and I started thinking about it. That was when I realized I probably never would." She paused, collecting her thoughts. "I was lucky, as a kid. My parents had a happy marriage, as did my grandparents. I grew up hearing their love stories, and I had no reason to believe that my life wouldn't go the same way, that I wouldn't get married, have a child, have my own family."

"You could still have those things." Chakotay's voice was soft.

"Maybe." She was looking at the fire, her tone doubtful. "At a certain point, I think you have to be honest with yourself, about what your life is, rather than what you want it to be. I've had two failed engagements. I'm not a young woman anymore. Maybe the universe is telling me that those things just aren't meant for me, whether I want them or not."

"Not meant for you?" Chakotay was smiling. "That doesn't sound like the scientific, pragmatic Kathryn Janeway that I know."

She shrugged, her turn to poke him in the ribs. "I may have been influenced by a certain more spiritually minded man over the past few years."

Chakotay shifted his body away from the fire, so he was facing her, bending one knee and propping his leg up on the couch. "My people believe that the gifts of the spirits are here, all around us. I can't believe that one of those gifts, the gift of family and love, 'isn't meant' for one of the most generous, courageous people I know."

"Well, thank you." She felt the heat rise in her cheeks at his compliment. "I know that I have a lot of good things in my life. I feel incredibly grateful for the people I've always had around me, for the fact that we were able to get back in just seven years, for the fact that I have an incredible family who was here waiting for me when I returned. I know that these are incredible blessings."

"But?" he prompted.

"But sometimes I wonder if that's enough. I look at Tom and B'Elanna, for example, and I wonder if the happiness they've found in being together and creating a family transcends anything I could ever have being in Starfleet, but being alone."

"I think it's hard to compare. It's different."

"Yes, agreed. But sometimes, when I'm with my mother and my sister, I feel such a strong sense of this family line, something that was passed down from my grandparents, to my parents, to me. Phoebe has kids now, so the line will continue, but there's a part of me that wants desperately to be a part of that." She shook her head. "Sounds crazy, doesn't it?"

"No, Kathryn, I don't think it sounds crazy at all." He paused, evaluating his next words. "I've never told you this, but I spent a good portion of my life not wanting to have children, because I was so afraid they would get my crazy gene and end up like my grandfather, or that I would be a terrible father, and end up estranged from them, the way I was from my father. When I thought that Seska had my child, I was terrified, and not just because of Seska."

She looked at him as though seeing him for the first time. "I never knew, never even suspected that you felt that way. You were always so good with Naomi and Icheb, with children we encountered along the way. You had such strong devotion to Seska's child when you believed it was yours. I always assumed…"

"Well, like you, my perspective changed in the Delta Quadrant, when I realized that I might never be able to have children with the woman I loved. Only then did I realize how much I wanted that."

Kathryn sighed, a long, heavy sigh, and scooted towards Chakotay on the couch. He shifted to put his arm around her shoulders, and she snuggled against him. "We sure are a couple of pathetic old folks, aren't we?" she mused. "We can't see what we want until the possibility is in the past."

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far," Chakotay replied, tightening his arm around her. "It's not impossible for us to do the things we're talking about. This is the twenty-fourth century, after all."

"Playing the role of the optimist, are we tonight, Chakotay?" She felt him shrug against her. "It's all right. I've accepted that I won't have children. I know, I know. It's the twenty-fourth century. It's not beyond the realm of possibility for a woman my age. But it's not really about that for me anymore. I'd just like to find someone to spend quiet evenings with, to hold me at the end of the day."

"Someone who will laugh at stupid things with you?" he asked.

She chuckled in amazement; it was as though he could read her mind. "Yes, exactly." She paused, resting her hand on his knee. "But you could still have children. You just have to find the right woman and work your charms on her. Just flash those dimples, and you won't have a problem." He was silent for a long time. So long that she squeezed his knee and prodded, "Chakotay?"

He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I've already found that woman, Kathryn."

Something in the tone of his voice made her lift her head from his shoulder and turn to look at him. He turned to look at her, too, their noses only inches apart. She searched his eyes, searched for the meaning she didn't dare hope was still there after all these years. "Chakotay…" Her voice was barely audible to her own ears. The intensity of his gaze too hot for her, she pulled away a few inches. "You said you realized in the Delta Quadrant that you might never be able to have children with the woman you loved," she whispered.

He cupped her cheek in his hand. "After New Earth. When _Voyager_ returned for us. It was after that, when I realized I had started to think about being on that planet with you for the rest of our lives, started to imagine building some kind of a future there, some kind of a family. I knew it wasn't practical. I knew you'd probably never allow it. But I couldn't help thinking about it. And then again, after Mark's letter, when you said you'd been using him as a safety net to avoid getting involved with someone else, I thought that maybe…"

Before he could finish his sentence, her lips were on his, sudden, hard, passionate, the electrical current that had been building between them all evening finally surging to life. His hands were tangled in her hair, deepening the kiss. She had one hand behind his head, in hair that was still damp from the rain, and one hand pressing into his chest, feeling the steady, strong beat of his heart. Her tongue invaded his mouth, desperate, full of longing, full of passion, and then he was drawing her up onto his lap so he could hold her body against his and taste her more fully.

Breathless, she finally broke the kiss, and he cradled her head against his chest, stroking her cheek and her hair. "Kathryn?"

"Mm?" Her fingers traced idle patterns over his chest as she opened one, then two buttons on his shirt.

"Do you think a couple of pathetic old folks like us might still be able to build the life they want, together?"

She lifted her head from his chest and looked deep into his eyes. "It's Christmas, Chakotay. I think that anything is possible."

"Not very scientific, Kathryn," Chakotay mumbled as his lips found hers once again and she melted into him. "Not very scientific at all."

"No, it isn't," she replied when their lips parted just long enough for her to speak. "Merry Christmas, Chakotay," she murmured, and suddenly, she felt certain that it would be a very merry Christmas, after all.

* * *

 _Oh tidings of comfort and joy_

 _Comfort and joy_

 _Oh tidings of comfort and joy_


End file.
